


We Were Stars

by meredithhildebrand



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Simon cares about Baz so much at this point it's not even funny, Two Shot, so please don't read this if you can be triggered, some suicidal-like thoughts, theres actually no suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-12 17:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11166837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredithhildebrand/pseuds/meredithhildebrand
Summary: His eyes meet mine, and it almost feels like for a split second, the world pauses. Just for a second, it feels as if everything has stopped and we're floating in mid air.And then the world comes crashing down around us and both of our walls fall apart and everything comes flooding back.I could've lost him.





	1. Chapter 1

**_SIMON_ **

 

Baz has been having bad days lately. Not just normal bad days, where he's hard to talk to and when he tells me to leave him alone.  
He's been having days where he won't get out of bed, no matter how hard I try to convince him to. Days where his eyes will turn into glass, days where he won't even smile at me, days where he'll be hardly recognizable to my eyes.  
I used to be able to read him like a book.  
I would be lying if I said that none of this bothered me. But it does. So much.  
I'm not used to seeing Baz like this. Like he's weak, covered with scars, blinded by his own cracks that he tries tirelessly to conceal.  
He's not as strong as he used to be.  
It makes me wonder how strong he really was, when we were at Watford. It makes me wonder what really goes on through his head.  
I want to tell him not to be afraid, but seeing Baz like this is unfamiliar territory for me. It feels like walking on shards of glass.

I close my laptop, and breathe out through my nose. Baz is in my room right now, sleeping. Or maybe he's not. I'm not sure.  
I woke up with him, but he hasn't left the room yet. Not even once.  
I turn my head and look over my shoulder at the door of my bedroom. The flat is exceptionally quiet today because Penny is spending time with Micah, who's here for a vacation.

I think that he might be moving here, but I'm not sure. Penny's absolutely ecstatic which makes me so happy for her. She deserves so much.  
I stand up quietly, setting my laptop on the couch. I swallow.  
Merlin, I've faced countless dragons and goblins, and I can't even confront my boyfriend about his problems.  
This is where the terrible boyfriend aspect of our relationship comes in. The truth is that I'm awful at comforting people. After living for so many years without any love from someone, I don't know how to help people when they need it. This is when I miss my parents the most. I wish that they could've been here for me, the way that I want them to.

I stop outside the bedroom, and gently knock on the door.

"Baz?" I call softly. I don't hear anything, and my stomach drops. I sigh softly and lean my shoulder against the door.

I know that the door's not locked, but it almost seems like it is because of how ominous it feels. I don't want to barge in on him when he's like this.

After spending eight years of learning the difficult dance of avoiding him at most times, I don't know how to comfort him. I've never needed to.

I've learned how to turn the other cheek. How to press down my feeling of caring about him down to the bottom of my core. I've learned to step away from the line that separates us. How to let my feelings go.

I've learned how to ignore him. But now, I can't do that. I need to help him. I need to find out what's bothering him.

I don't want him to deal with his own feelings alone. He doesn't deserve that.

Merlin, I don't know what I'm so afraid of. It's not like I've faced an angry Baz before. In fact, I've seen that side of him more times than I can count.

It's just that I don't want to make him feel worse. I'm bad with my words and I don't want them to tear him down farther.

I think...I think that I just need to give him space.

Baz's sardonic nature isn't surprising to me. In fact, it's almost more familiar than him being actually nice.

We've learned to fight fire with fire. Learned how to create flames of our own that were impossible to overcome. Talking to him, with knowing that he actually cares about me more than I think is possible, is still somewhat challenging for me.

I sigh and lean my back against the door, my head resting against the wood. I run my fingers through my curls.

Baz loves my curls. At least five times a day I'll feel his long, smooth fingers carting through my hair. It feels nice. Really nice.

"Baz? Can I come in?" I ask softly, and I bite my lip when I don't hear anything. I know that I could go into the room, but that would feel like walking in on something private.

I let out a heavy breath and slide down the door until I reach the ground, and I pull my legs into my chest. Merlin, I don't what to do for him.

_Just go in. He can't do anything to you anymore._

I'm not afraid of him, like I used to be.

I think that I'm just afraid of the idea of him. The fact that he's still full of fire, fire that I don't know how to handle. He's still a maze that I'm trying to figure out.

When I look at him, it still feels like he's going to incinerate me. It feels like he's setting a flame to each of my limbs, and they're going to fade into ashes, leaving me gone.

The thing is that I'm not afraid of him. I just think that he's still so unfamiliar to me, and that's taking a bigger toll on me than it should.

I knock the back of my head against the door and let out a quiet groan. Merlin, I actually can't believe that I'm sitting here right now.

I sigh and push myself up off the floor, and I feel an ache in the backs of my knees. My hand knocks on the door, my fingers grazing against the wood.

I've never felt this separated from him before. It's unnatural. Unnerving. Strangely familiar but yet so unfamiliar.

 

**_BAZ_ **

 

The world has never seemed this quiet before.

I keep thinking about my mother. No matter how hard I try to distract myself, my thoughts of her still flood my brain, making it feel as if her death was yesterday and not almost 15 years ago.

I thought that I had gotten through this. I finally thought that I had something else to fight for, not to fight against. I thought that I was strong enough, capable enough, of moving on from something like this.

I thought that it would finally stop hurting. I thought that my stomach would stop feeling like it was being stabbed every time I thought of her.

It's never hurt this much before. It's never felt as if I was being torn apart by these invisible hands that wound themselves around me and squeezed my own limbs to the point of raw pain.

I hug the blankets around me tighter and stare up into the gray ceiling. I feel light and weightless, and the room feels slightly like it's spinning in a slow circle.

I wonder if she can see me. From behind the Veil. I haven't talked to her since the Leavers Ball, all those months ago.

People can only go behind the Veil when they still have something to say something that's important. Something that is valuable to the people in the outside world.

I wonder what she thinks of me.

_Monster. Terrifying. Revolting._

I can still remember her expression of pure terror on her face when she saw me being bit by that vampire. I don't think that I'll ever be able to forget it.

Her dark eyes searching mine for that one split second, her fingers wrapping tightly around her wand, her voice a broken whisper that broke me as much as it possibly broke her.

_"Tyger, Tyger, burning bright."_

Her body going up in a compilation of flames, blue, red, orange.

_Gone. Leaving me alone._

Leaving me stranded.

My eyes grow warmer, warmer, warmer, and the tears begin to fall and _I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to stop._

_I thought that I was over this. I thought that this was done. I thought that I had finally moved on._

_I thought that I was finally okay. Not fine, but okay. Able to stitch, to hold, to mend myself together again._

_I thought that I had finally been able to shield myself from all of this pain._

 

**_SIMON_ **

 

I begin to hear quiet sobs from inside the bedroom, and that causes me to break down. My fingers grasp and fumble at the door knob, and I try to open it, but my fingers don't seem to work, they seem unable to open the damn door.

"Baz? Let me in. Let me in," I say, and maybe it's only me but I swear that my voice begins to raise in volume.

I hear muffling from the bedroom, and I kick my foot against the door. Sharp pain prickles through my foot, but I ignore it, ignore it, ignore it.

_I've never heard him cry before._

Merlin, I didn't even think about him spelling the door closed.

 _How could I have been that stupid?_ Of _course_ he would spell the door locked without me hearing him.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

I bang my fist against the door, once, twice, three times before my heart rate begins to pick up.

A shock of panic runs through me, and the first thing I do is spin my head around the flat, trying to look for Baz's wand. It's probably in his room, but I can't know for sure.

This is when I wish that I still had my magic. It would make this so much more bearable for me.

I bang my fists on the door again, and my voice sounds crackly and hoarse when I speak.

"Baz, Baz. Let me in, please. It's okay, I'm here, let me in."

I know that I'm probably being over dramatic, but I couldn't care less about that at the moment.

"Come on, Baz. Open the door. Please, it's okay, just hold on. Open the door, please," I say, knocking on the door.

It feels like the forest all over again, me running towards him, running towards something that I didn't know how to handle or control.

It feels like I'm about to lose him, all over again.

 

**_BAZ_ **

 

I faintly hear a voice from outside the door, and I open my mouth to respond, but it only causes more tears to fall out of my eyes.

It's never been this bad. It's never felt like all of the life I have inside of me is draining out of my veins.

It's never felt like an ending.

It's never felt like being emptied out.

Maybe I'm just done. Maybe it's finally time for me to go.

I could use the same spell as her. Would I go up in flames, just like she did? Would I be burnt into ashes?

No. I can't leave. I can't leave because then I'll be leaving Simon, and I would never forgive myself for that.

A sinking feeling fills my limbs, and I've never felt this weak before in my life. I've always been able to hold myself together when ever I would get like this. I always told myself that I would never leave this world, but it's never felt more tempting than today.

I let out a heavy, raspy breath and fumble for my wand.

With a deep, throaty exhale, I whisper a counter spell and I can hear the door unlock softly from across the room.

Maybe it's finally time to let myself cry about everything. A person can only be strong for so long.

A person can only give so much to a world that only takes things away in return.

I'm tired of giving.

 

_**SIMON** _

 

A heavy exhale falls out of my mouth, and I run my hands through my hair, trying to think of a way to get into the bedroom.

His crying has stopped.

I bite my lip and walk back to the door, and take a deep breath. My fingers wrap around the door knob and I open it, and I've never felt more relieved than when it opens slowly.

I see Baz, on my bed, covered in countless blankets and his wand lying on the floor next to him.

"Baz," I murmur, walking over to the bed slowly and kneeling down to his pale face.

_I can't recognize him._

His eyes are bloodshot and his skin is so pale, like the colour of snow. His black hair falls around his face is waves and I curse myself for thinking that I could've lost him again.

_I can't lose you, too, Baz. Not after my parents. Not after everyone who's already left me._

I feel shaky all over, and my throat feels thick, like there's something blocking my airway.

His eyes meet mine, and it almost feels like for a split second, the world pauses. Just for a second, it feels as if everything has stopped and we're floating in mid air.

And then the world comes crashing down us and both of our walls fall apart and everything comes flooding back.

_I could've lost him._

My eyes fill with tears and I feel so weak but I don't know why. I feel like I'm full of helium, just waiting to float away.

My hands slowly extend away from me, and they grab onto his face. His skin is so cold, and it feels like I'm grabbing onto ice.

I swallow heavily and exhale. I don't know what I want to say. I don't know how to handle this.

_"You idiot,"_

_"Why would you leave me? How could you leave me?"_

_"How dumb are you?"_

_"I could've lost you,"_

_"I can't live without you,"_

_"I love you."_

I can see his body, it's right here, but it seems like he's gone. It seems like everything inside of him has left, has gone away, and all that's left is just a lifeless corpse. If I didn't see the slight rise and fall of his chest that indicates breath, I would think that he's...

No. He's not dead. He's right here. He's right here, in front of me. _Alive_.

_He's alive. He's here._

 

                          ~END~


	2. Chapter 2

_**BAZ** _

 

I can see Simon in front of me, and his eyes are dark with worry. His eyes are filling with tears, making the blue of them seem even more vibrant than normal. 

I let out a breath. Simon's hands grab onto my face, and he leans his forehead against mine. 

I can see his mouth moving, but I can't decipher what he's saying. 

"I could've lost you," he whispers hoarsely, and his voice sounds so broken, so defeated, so empty. 

_I could've lost you._

The words ring in my brain and I think that I'm never going to be able to forget the sound of his voice. 

I swallow, and his words seem to crack the glass of raw pain that is separating me from him, and I finally feel like I'm coming up for air.

With a heavy gasp, my walls come crashing down around me and the tears begin to fall. 

I could've lost him. 

I feel the tears falling from my eyes, and Simon grabs my wrists and pulls them down in front of me. His voice is steady when he speaks, and his eyes are full of fire.

"Hey, Baz. Listen to me. You're okay. You're here, you're safe. I'm here. It's okay," he says, and he sounds so sure, so confident, so determined. 

I almost believe him. 

 

**_SIMON_ **

 

Baz's cheeks are covered with his tears and I brush them away with my fingertips. He takes a heavy breath and I lean my forehead against his. 

"You can't get away from me that easily," I whisper softly, and his skin is cool against mine. I run my fingers through his hair and I feel his fingers reaching out for me, and I pull him into my arms.

His arms wrap around my waist, and I feel his tears dampening the fabric of my shirt but _I don't care._

His hands claw at my back, and his hair tickles my neck. I hold him tightly against me and curl my head into his neck.

He lets out a raspy breath and holds onto me tightly, almost as if I'm a lifeline. 

I don't know what's wrong. I haven't seen him like this before. 

His tears fall onto my shirt, and I feel them collecting there, on the fabric. 

"It's okay, Baz. I'm here. You're not alone, I'm here. You're alive," I whisper into his hair, and I feel his arms tighten around me. 

His cries start to subside, and he lifts his head up to meet mine. 

His mouth opens and closes a few times, and he swallows. Coughs and looks away from me, and knots his fingers together. His hair falls into his eyes and he tilts his head downwards, shielding his eyes. Merlin, I want to help him. I don't want him to break. I want him to heal.

"It hurts, Simon. It hurts so much. Every day," he finally says, and voice is still thick with tears. It's broken and raspy and still a little bit hard to understand, but it's still him. I can still see him, still hear him. 

I swallow and hold his face gently in my hands and tilt his head upwards so that his dark eyes meet mine. 

"I know. I know it hurts. But you're okay. You'll be okay," I say, and he exhales heavily and collapses back into me. 

"I- I _miss_ her, Simon," he whispers against my skin, and his voice is an arrow that pierces my heart. 

I finally understand. He misses his mother. I don't know how that didn't cross my mind until now.

Everything finally makes sense. 

I let out a breath and hold him closely to me. His scent of cedar and bergamot fills my nose, and the world turns into _Baz Baz Baz Baz._

His fingers grab onto my shirt and fist into the fabric. I feel his chest heavily beating against me and I wrap my arms tighter around him, letting him cry into my skin. 

I've never seen him this weak before. 

"I love you," I whisper quietly, almost absentmindedly, and Baz jerks against me for a moment before relaxing again.

 

**_BAZ_ **

 

I hear him whisper the words into my hair, and they travel down through my veins. Simon's arms are wrapped around me, and they're warm, strong, familiar. 

I heave a sigh and slowly move away from him, and let out a heavy exhale. Simon's eyes are dark with concern and his bronze curls fall into his eyes, and his skin is warm against my own. I can see the faint stain of my tears on his shirt collar and I curse myself inside for being so damn weak. He looks so calm, so determined, so concerned. And I realize that he's this way for _me_. 

He's beautiful. He's everything that I ever could've hoped for. 

Simon grabs my hands, and opens his mouth a couple of times. I can see the wheels turning behind his eyes. Merlin knows, I know, that he has a hard time piecing together his words. He has since the beginning. He's always been unsteady, awkward, hard to understand. 

But I love him all the same, despite his flaws. 

The ground feels unsteady beneath me and my breath comes out in heavy exhales that are still rough with the with the lingering of tears. My skin feels warm.

Simon clears his throat, which jerks me from my thoughts. He's beginning to blush. The redness that covers his cheeks makes his blue eyes seem even brighter than normal. 

"Do you-" he says, and he looks away from me and at the floor. His fingers fist into the bed sheets and his curls flop into his eyes. 

Simon exhales heavily and looks back at me, and he swallows. It's still the showiest swallow that I've ever seen in my life. 

My veins thrum with electricity, but I feel drained. I don't normally cry as much as I did today. 

"Do you want to- you know... talk about it?" Simon asks quietly, and my heart squeezes in my chest. I bite down on my tongue and swallow. 

Do I want to talk about it? I know that I probably should, but whenever I think about telling everything to Simon my heart squenches and feels like it's going to burst in my chest into dust.

I know that we both have our own problems. I don't need to deny that. It's just that I've never been able to confide in any one. Simon's had Penelope his whole life, but I've never really had someone like that. I've never really had a friend before.

My father never talked to me about anything other than my vampirism and how dangerous I actually am. He made me feel like I was a monster who was just a major inconvience for him. I was just someone who could damage his reputation with the Old Families. 

He never gave me a chance. 

I've always been told to push my feelings down. I've never had the luxury of spilling out all of my feelings to someone who pretended to care. I've always had to deal with them myself. 

Simon knows this. I know he knows because he's never told me to confide in him the way that he's confided in Penelope or Wellbelove. 

That feeling of safety, of being helped, seems too far out of reach for me. It's hard to fathom. I can't really imagine it. 

I exhale, and look back at Simon. He's still blushing. My stomach feels like it's twisting into knots, and I swallow. 

 

_**SIMON** _

 

Baz looks at me and swallows, and I can see the fire in his eyes. It's not as harsh as it normally is. It's still there; I can see the flames, but they seem smaller. Deterred. Not completely there.

An illusion.

I grab his hands in mine, twisting my fingers around his. I can hear his breath hitch in his throat.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, Baz," I murmur, and swallow. His skin is cold against my own. 

Baz exhales, and I can still hear the lingering of tears in the sound. I want to help him, but I don't really know how. 

Baz looks at me and swallows. His dark eyes are slowly turning back to normal, and I can see the flames beginning to rise. 

"I just miss her. I don't know why she had to leave and abandon me here," he whispers, and he pulls his legs into his chest and ducks his head. His hair falls around his face in a dark curtain. 

_I just miss her. I don't know why she had to leave and abandon me here._

I exhale. This is all new, so new. It's young, unfamiliar, slightly unnerving. 

I know that it's hard for me to piece my words together, and I don't want my words to break him. I don't want something that i say to break this, to break whatever we have. Because I'm in too deep to be able to let this go.

I suddenly remember Baz's mother, when she visited me at Watford, all those months ago. When Baz was gone.

I remember her voice, cold as ice. It twisted itself into my veins, running through my arteries. Making my blood turn cold. 

I remember her voice curling around me, sucking the life out of my skin. Her breath feeling like ice when it drifted across my face when she spoke.

I remember her words. How they felt like they were made of ice. 

" _He said we were stars."_

" _What have you done to him?"_

 _"Where is he?"_  

I exhale and swallow heavily, opening my mouth to speak. 

"She visited me," I say quietly, and I hear Baz let out a heavy, raspy breath.

"I know that, Snow. You already told me everything," Baz says, but his voice is still rough and muffled because his head isn't facing me. 

I inch myself closer to him, and I can see his chest moving upwards and falling with his intake of breath. I put my hand on his lower back and he flinches, before relaxing again into my touch. 

"She never wanted to leave you, Baz," I say softly, and I feel Baz's body shudder against my hand. I can feel the cold of his skin through his sweater. 

Baz takes a raspy breath, and when he speaks, his voice is quiet with the unmistakable layer of tears beneath it.

"How do you know that, Simon?" he says, voice cracking and breaking into pieces. It makes my heart hurt, seeing him like this. I never want to see him this way. 

Baz tilts his head upwards and crosses his legs on the bed. He rests his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands. I can't see his eyes. 

I don't know exactly why she would leave, but I just feel as if there's more to what happened than Baz knows. No one really knows what happened that day. 

I swallow, and move closer to him, lifting my hand and letting my fingers run through his hair. I hear him shakily exhale and I lean my forehead against his. His dark hair tickles my nose.

"Why do you think she would leave you in the first place, Baz?" I ask, and he inhales. 

"Because I'm a _monster_ , Simon. She didn't want someone like me for a son," he replies, and his voice sounds broken. He sounds defeated, empty, hollow. Exhausted. 

I swallow heavily. "Baz, you're not. You're not a monster," I say softly, and tilt his head up and away from his hands. I hold the sides of his face in my palms. 

"You're not of them, Baz. Alright? You're more than that. You mean so much more," I say, and my eyes are burning holes into his. I feel like I'm back in the forest, being surrounded by fire, and not exactly knowing what to do or what to say. 

His eyes are dark, and I can see my reflection in them. 

I brush some of his hair away from his eyes, and lean my forehead against his. 

"You're more than that. So much more," I whisper, sliding my fingers into his hair.

Baz exhales heavily and his hands fumble for my face and grab into my skin. 

I can hear the unsteadiness of his breath and I see tears beginning to drip down from his eyes. He exhales heavily and closes his eyes.

"Are you sure?" he asks, and his voice is rough and quiet but it finally feels like he's here, here with me, and he's not going to let go.

I've never been more sure of one word in my life. I've never felt as if my life depends on one, small moment, but it does. 

" _Yes_ ," I murmur, and Baz exhales heavily and he pulls my mouth to his. It's rough and messy and I can feel his tears on his cheeks but _I don't care_. I just let myself go.

I wrap my arms around him, tangling my fingers into his hair. The kiss is heavy and it's still sort of a mess, but it's never felt like I have my magic back inside of me again more than this moment.

I feel like he's opening me up, filling me with an infinity and turning my limits into nothing. 

"I love you, Simon," Baz whispers heavily against my mouth, and I can't help but grin.

He's not letting go of me. He's alive, and he's not going to let go of us. He's not going to let go of this.

I know that this is still a little messy. It's still sort of cracked, broken. Still something that make the world fall away beneath my feet. But he's here. Alive.

He's alive. Despite everything that's happened, he's still here. He's still full of fire. He still knows how to set my limbs to flames.

"I love you too," I whisper against his mouth. 

 

_He's here. Alive._

 

_He's not going to let go._

 

_I'm not going to lose him._

 

                            ~END~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, here it is! I'm so happy that I finally finished this chapter. I'm really sorry for making this extremely long but the words just kept on coming and I couldn't find the right things to say, which made writing this sort of hard.  
> anyway, I hope this you guys all enjoyed this:) thank you all for reading:)

**Author's Note:**

> wow. okay, so this did not go in the direction that I was expecting at all. This was supposed to be a really fluffy, cute chapter, but in the middle of writing this it took a whole different turn.  
> Regardless, I will be wrapping everything up in one final chapter.  
> To everyone who was expecting fluff in this chapter, I'm really sorry but I promise that the next chapter will be fluff:) this chapter just turned out a lot more differently than I had originally aimed for in the beginning.  
> if this is triggering for anyone in anyway, you should exit this and go read something else.  
> also: this wasn't going to end in suicide at all, even if it went in that direction.  
> anyway, I hope that you guys enjoyed this regardless of the dark material.  
> the next chapter should be up in the next few days. (Latest will be a week)  
> again, thank you all so much for reading this.


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